April Fools Wedding

Ron carried his new bride over the threshold of their room at the Leaky Cauldron and kicked the door closed behind them before leaning against it. His new wife’s six-month pregnant frame was heavy in his arms, and he needed a minute to regain his breath. Putting her down on her feet, he pointed in the general direction of the other door in the room and wheezed, “Bathroom’s through there.”

“Okay, Won-Won,” Lavender Weasley née Brown cooed while she waddled toward the foul-smelling bathroom.

Ron clutched a hand to his chest as he sucked in a deep mouthful of air, trying desperately to catch his breath, “Don’t know why there had to be so many bloody stairs,” he grumbled.

“Oh, Ron,” Lavender called out, trying to sound sexy and failing miserable. She stood in the bathroom doorway, posing in a way she thought was sexy, wearing a white, lacy nightdress that didn’t fit properly due to her large bump, instead of a nightdress, it looked more like a small t-shirt.

At least the nightdress was white. The twins had somehow managed to charm Lavender’s wedding dress, so when she walked down the makeshift aisle in the garden of the Burrow, it had turned scarlet red. Being halfway down the aisle Lavender hadn’t been able to do anything about it.

Ron stared at his new wife, cringing when he thought of the W word. He always thought that when he married it would be to Hermione Granger, everyone knew that they were meant to be together. Yet, one mistake six months ago, had put an end to any plan he might have had for their future.

A chance meeting with Lavender at a bar in London had ended up with them rolling around in his and Hermione’s bed. He had meant it to be a one-night stand that he had absolutely no intention of telling Hermione about, but Karma being the bitch it is, decided to bite him in the ass. So, eight weeks after that fateful night, Lavender had turned up at Ron and Hermione’s flat and announced that she was pregnant with his baby.

Hermione had been beyond furious, that not only had he cheated on her and lied but that he had been stupid enough not to use precautions to prevent Lavender from getting pregnant. Then, in a moment of anger that the twins would later claim was a work of pure malevolence and that they loved it, Hermione flooed the Burrow and informed Molly Weasley of the whole affair.

After dodging the many hexes thrown at him by his many brothers, Ron had been told he had no option but to marry Lavender. Ron had objected to that, claiming that he loved Hermione and was going to marry her. Molly had surprised the whole house at that point when she smacked Ron around his head and screamed, “Hermione was too good for him,” and that he had no say in the matter, he was going to marry Lavender Brown.

“Ron, don’t you like it?” Lavender asked, pouting.


“Of course, I do,” Ron replied after he was pulled from his thoughts.

“It’s our wedding night, Won-Won,” Lavender purred. She took Ron by the hand and led him over to the bed, “What’s this? Oh, Ron did you buy me a present?” She asked when she saw the small box lying on the bed.

“No,” Ron answered, “I didn’t put that there.” He picked up the small box and read the note.

Ickle Ronniekins 

It might be too late this time, but please learn how to use this.

Fred and George.

“Bastards!” Ron snarled as he opened the box and saw a birth control potion inside. He threw the potion aside, smashing it against the wall.

“Ah, don’t pay any notice to them, Won-Won,” Lavender said as she placed a kiss on his cheek, ran her hands up and down his back, placing little kisses down his face and over his neck. She pushed him back until his legs hit the end of the bed. With a little smile, she pushed Ron onto the bed.

Lavender screamed when, instead of just landing on the bed, the bed split in half and Ron ended up on the floor.

“I’ll flaming well kill them!” Ron shouted as he struggled to his feet.

“Don’t, Ron,” Lavender pleaded, “They’re not worth it. They’re just jealous.”


“Yeah, you’ve got a pretty new wife and a baby on the way. What have they got?” Lavender said. “Neither of them has a girlfriend, all they have is that stupid little joke shop.”

“Maybe you’re right,” Ron smiled. “They haven’t…” he trailed off, “do you hear that?”

“Yeah, it’s coming from next door,” Lavender answered.

“What is it?” Ron asked as he heard the sound again, moving closer to the wall to see if he could hear better.

Oh, Merlin, do ya like that, baby?

Oh, fuck, baby, you feel so good.

“That’s Fred and George,” Ron said.

“Who are they with?” Lavender asked as she tried to listen.


“HERMIONE!” Ron screamed before passing out.

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